Headlines

I recently applied to a workshop with The Onion and had to come up with 10 headlines. I sent them 10 of the 19 below.

1. Scientists have released data showing that stupidity is the worse underlying condition in COVID-19 patients
2. Christ was not wearing a mask on the cross, so why should I?
3. The new anti-homeles group that wants you to know they don’t hate homeless people
4. Tony Lanez asks Meghan Thee Stallion to not blame him for shooting her, but to blame the gun for going off
5. Trump gives a long rambling speech over who has more accountability to the people of the USA, him or a squirrel.
6. All the people who thought Trump was a racist.
7. Colleges around the U.S. admit that it’s hard to keep covid out of it’s campus but they still want your money
8. Q-Annon to present Trump with a Nobel Peace Prize
9. ‘They are not hate crimes if the bullet doesn’t hit them’, says Judge
10. Olympic Court has ruled that female athletes are required to re-balance all their hormones to be more male pleasing
11. Redneck says that Naomi Osaka is a fraud because he was expecting to see a fully Asian woman
12. GOP sues Netflix to take down Cuties because it brings out pedophilia tendencies in their God fearing men.
13. Anonymous police chief is hoping for another police shooting so the public can direct their anger away from his police department
14. Woman in Michigan is suing the state because the masks mandate is a personal attack on her mask phobia
15. White House press secretary, Kaileigh McEnany, says she wasn’t hired to answer questions that make her look bad
16. I sent him to school sick because I wanted him out of the house: A parent’s confession
17. Following Mickey Guyton’s performance at the ACM some country music fans admitted that Guyton would sound better to them if she had a country music “look”
18. California man leaves suicide note saying he walked into the wildfires to prove they weren’t caused by global warming.
19. Members of the United Nations have drafted a proposal to quarantine the U.S. from the rest of the world, indefinitely