The pandemic has been tough for freelancers. So I’ve found a few possible side jobs.

Professional snugger – I’m an Aquarius so this type of closeness with another living human is not going to work for me, but if you’re all into hugging to create more love then this might be the gig for you. Plus they throw some snugging parties where you’re uniform will be PJs. So it’s not a bad deal.

Space lawyer – It would probably make your mom proud to see you finally get a law degree. You’ might get her to stop with the marriage or grandkids talk for a while. With that said, this job sounds cooler than what it is. It’s just a lawyer helping government and private companies exploit space. If you’re into aliens then maybe you can be some badass lawyer who turns the tables on the govt and corps., but only after he/she has gained their trust.

Teen exorcist – Since I’m Catholic I feel I’m very well qualified for this position. The job duties are pretty self explanatory. I just finished Season 1 of Los Espookys so I think I’ll be a pro at this.

Chocolate beer specialist – This just sounds like an alcoholic dairy-free milkshake. Since milk upsets my stomach I don’t even like to look at something that resembles a milkshake – so I’m out.

Space travel agent – sounds cool, and then I read the description.This gig is like the bank. Let me hold your money and I’ll hold you a spot at the Aurora Station for when commercial space travel is available to the public. By the way, 12 days will cost you 9.5 million. So yeah I’ll do it! If you’re stupid enough to pay 9.5 million for a ‘possible’ trip to space then I have no problem selling you on this.

Professional apologizer – Canadian’s have this one in the bag. I’m not Canadian but I think that all my training in improv would make a great candidate. Note that now you run the risk of getting shot in the face. We miss the days when people got just stabbed for exposing other people (like the Cheater’s host)It’s dark, but gives you a better chance of survival. So proceed at your own risk.

Happiness advocate – We have all been so tainted by life that this job might just work like a social experiment. ‘What makes you happy? Well that sucks! This is what makes me happy! Coming to TLC Spring of 2021 (if we get there).’

Baby name consultant – For parents with too much money on their hands. Do these people not have friends? ‘For people without friends and too much money to burn.’ Apparently, this one is still a popular gig for the mega rich. So if you’re good at kissing up to the rich and catering to their demands, like ‘I want a name that means blue but not the name blue – like a name that resembles a flower but not like a typical flower and not like a wild flower – but a name that represents purity but not too on the nose, you know?’then this might be for you.

Nail polish namer – I think that the nail polish colors should just be named after each month so that women can remember to switch colors. That’s it. Just group all the nail colors by month at the salon. If you only wear July, then you’ll know where to look. The nail technician will love you for it.

Published by Bri Ribalta